By: Mary Duffy
• You carry your $3,000 mountain bike on top of your $500 car.

• A pass does not involve a football or a woman. ® You go anywhere else on the planet and the air feels “sticky.”

• You have a MFA and you are tending bar, cleaning houses or loading chairs.

• When the occasion calls for formal wear, you find an outfit in the Free Box.

• You’ve never paid for a guided outdoor adventure.

• You own a big dog named Dorje, Buck or Cortez who wears a bandanna.

• You cast your fishing line while white water rafting.

• You get depressed after one day of rainy weather.

• You are 82 years old and take up snowboarding.

• You think the boardwalk overlooks main street, not the ocean.

• The entire top of your head is bald, but you still sport a foot-long ponytail.

• You consider a three-piece suit to be a pair of shorts, a polypro vest and Birkenstocks.

• The closest thing to going to the mall is going to Montrose.

• You don’t listen to bluegrass except for one weekend a year, when you become an aficionado.

• Your biggest Y2K fear was no snow.

Telluride Visitor Guide